FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 21, 2014
Press Contact: Steve Beneath
KEITH BENEATH, MUSICIAN AND ACTIVIST, ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR SAN FRANCISCO DISTRICT 8 SUPERVISOR, RUNNING ON ANTI-GENTRIFICATION PLATFORM
“Let’s save San Francisco by nuking Silicon Valley,” candidate cries
San Francisco, CA – With the joint release of a music video and campaign advert, musician and venture socialist Keith Beneath announced his candidacy for the San Francisco District 8 Supervisor seat, up for grabs in this fall’s civic election. Beneath announced his campaign platform at a press conference in West Oakland, where he lives in exile from his home city, saying he stood for a platform of “economic justice, more public housing, and the thermonuclear annihilation of Silicon Valley.”
“It’s time we rid ourselves of the rich overlords who displace the fair citizens of San Francisco at every turn,” boomed a camouflage-donning Mr. Beneath from a megaphone. “We can save this city by eliminating the capitalists who continue to decimate it.”
Beneath’s campaign manager, Steve Beneath, said they had a strong start in the elections, fueled by dismal expectations of his opponent. Mr. Scott Wiener. “Wiener is a foot-soldier of the bourgeoisie, standing ready and erect to defend the rich gentrifiers,” he said. “Pun intended.”
Beneath added he hopes to convert empty office space into community housing and increase tenant protections for working people. He promised these goals in addition to his campaign promise of nuking Silicon Valley.
“Everyone agrees that drone-deployed atomic bombs are the best way to destroy the Silicon Valley suburban wasteland and break their chokehold on the San Francisco Commune.”
One reporter questioned whether nuclear fallout would wreak havoc on the city. Keith Beneath dismissed the question. “Residual radiation exposure is a small price to pay for freedom,” Beneath opined, adding that “advanced weapons can target the wealthy exclusively.” “Think of it like extracting a tumor,” he said, circling Atherton and Palo Alto in red pen on the battlefield map behind him.
Rather than relying on campaign contributions, Beneath intends to raise money by blackmailing and exploiting the tech gentry. To that end, he has enlisted a Robin Hood-esque army of do-gooder muggers to assault techies in the Mission, steal their wallets and electronic devices and sell them on Craigslist to raise funds. “This has the dual effect of de-gentrifying the Mission,” Beneath explained, adding that “nothing drives down property values like crime.”
Despite being a grassroots movement, Beneath stated that the fundraising was off to a strong start, in part because of the consistent obliviousness of the techies glued to their phones, many of whom could barely lift their necks while being mugged.
A vinyl banner unfurled at the end of the conference announced the protest candidate’s platform slogan: “Equality. Justice. Thermonuclear Class War.”